I’m slowing things down a bit. not a bit, but a whole load. I’m taking my time with life, with people, with God, with education, with you.
why? because I can’t live fast paced. I can’t live with the disappointment of not achieving goals I set for myself. I can’t not pay attention to detail. I can’t miss beats, notes, dynamics, phrases, the timbre of life anymore. I can’t do it, and I won’t do it. everything is so instant in society, and I can’t do it anymore. my whole upbringing I have been taught to be quick with what I’m doing, but also to do it well. but, I’ve found that the two can’t coexist.
either, I rush or, I do it well. both don’t belong on the same spectrum. I’m always so quick to try and match my place in life with others, and where they are. I am so quick to listen to my emotions, and play out on them. I’m so quick to try and prove that I’m right, that I will always come out on top, that I don’t have a choice but to rush through everything.
and maybe, depression came over me in order for me to realise that the days are much longer than I expected, and in the midst of rushing to achieve grades, to gain the love of people, to be the best – I lost sight of where I was going, so
I’m slowing things down.
and, maybe that means getting up earlier in order to spend time in the quiet, with God, to hear His voice, to move my body in worship with Him and His love for me; in awe of His creation. maybe, it means I get to fully take a step back and really see where I want to go, where God wants me to go. to give my emotions time to rest, and to not just go out on a whim. to fully be aware of the person that’s sat right in front of me and give them my undivided attention. to put my all and my heart into everything, with tenacity, thought and devotion.
to take the steps when I need to, and not because I’m being forced to take them. to take time sitting with God, rather than trying to fit Him into my day, and feeling parts of myself missing when I haven’t spent time with Him. and a reminder, to myself, that this is for me, and no one else.
that I need to breathe. I need to breathe and embrace the moment in front of me. to love myself as I am, to love those around me, as they are. to accept current circumstances and to remain present, and not 2 weeks or 2 years into the future. to deal with, press into, what’s currently at hand.
it’s a slow journey, but it’s normally the things that have taken time, effort and discipline to build, that come out the most beautiful and detail oriented. I want my life, to be full of detail, and not just one big slob of things that I rushed into, when I could have taken time to put love into them, fully, and not halfheartedly. it’s in the detail, in the small print, in the dynamics. time waits for no one, but I’ll take my time.
I’ll take my time.