right now, I’m sad.

I’ve had a great day, I met up with two very beautiful souls today, and I’ve been overjoyed to see them. but, I’ve been on the verge of tears the past few days. I don’t know why. I don’t understand why, and its so confusing and frustrating. especially when God places so many things on your heart that you can’t tell anyone.

and, I was scrolling through twitter and the most beautiful, raw and unrefined voice came up on a video, worshipping God and my heart was struck. so, now I’m listening to Pieces (Live) by Steffany Gretzinger and Bethel Music. my heart can’t deal with how much is in it and I’ve been crying the past half hour, listening to the same song on repeat. 

and, I’m brought back to Newday 2016, where my boundaries were broken down, my heart was hurt and healed. friendships were formed, and broken. love was shown, and lost. freedom was found, and held onto. God is so good. I can’t explain it anymore than that. 

in January, I thought I wouldn’t be alive to see my birthday because I couldn’t bear the weight of living, of being who I am anymore. I couldn’t get out of bed. I was barely eating, I didn’t have the energy to leave the house, or talk to anyone. I wasn’t alive and now I’m here, having lived the lyrics to a song of God’s love. 

I can’t put it into words. I can’t put the fact that I would have taken my own life into words and somehow, I’m still here. alive, and still loved despite what I’ve had to deal with. 

I don’t know why I’ve felt compelled to write this, or even be so open about everything but if I can just help one person with my story, and the love that God has poured over me, I would go through hell again just to let that person know that even though everything isn’t great all the time – it’ll be okay. 

and maybe, Go, is my word God has giving me this year. maybe it’s, Being, maybe it’s sitting with others in the midst of their pain, as someone who’s been there. I can’t describe this feeling, I’ve just been crying and crying over such simple yet profound lyrics:

You don’t give Your heart in pieces. You don’t hide Yourself to tease us.

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