twelve forty two pm: a confessional

we haven’t spoken in a while. 

I thought about you last night at 1am, and I didn’t know whether to smile or be mad because of how things are. that you’re okay going weeks not speaking to me, that you’re comfortable with the silence between us and probably, the same with other people in your life. or,

maybe I’m wrong.

maybe it’s just because you need space, and time. maybe, because you’re going through some things with family, friends, yourself. I don’t want to assume, because I can never make predictions with you. you rarely tell me anything and it’s possibly for a reason, but I’m not going to push it. I’m not going to force you to reveal the contents of your heart and mind to me. I’m unsure of what you’re afraid of, but that fear has lead me to withdraw.

it’s funny how people change.

it’s funny, because I’m not the same person you would have spoken to 5 weeks ago. I’m not sure how to describe it, but I think I’ve learnt to acknowledge who I am, and where I stand in this thing called life. and, I’ve come to understand that

silence, says a lot. 

it says a whole lot more than people seem to believe, and it’s taken a while for me to realise that silence brings out the truth in what people really want to say. I’m not sure how to feel towards you, or about you anymore. I’m not sure, and I’ve come to realise that it’s okay. it’s okay, because I’m not going to be chasing after people that don’t want me.

my heart holds less weight

than it used to. it holds less weight because it took time to realise that I didn’t need to hold everything on my shoulders, my back, my chest. I didn’t need to keep the stress, the mess and the hurt within me. you can’t hurt me anymore, you can’t because I’m not giving you the opportunity to do that again. there was never any stability with you, and maybe being apart for now, is best, because I’m tired and I’m done.

I’m valued.

maybe that’s what I’m trying to get at with this, these words. I’m valued, even if you don’t value me or wish to acknowledge my strengths. I’m valued, because I value myself and the One who created me calls me by name and places me in His right hand and dances over me, everyday. I am valued.

I made it about you when it was never meant to be about you.

it’s not even about me. it’s just the fact that it took me a while to find myself again, to find the person within me that believed in herself and her abilities, rather than seeking that approval from a boy. a boy that she loved, and gave her heart to but, he didn’t understand it, or her. she wished that he would have; that he would have tried but, he just didn’t understand her, he didn’t get her, and that was enough for her to know that 

he didn’t deserve her.

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