*TRIGGER WARNING*

 

I’ve been hiding for a while. 

it was easier to hide and find relief in a blade being drawn to my skin. sketching words onto me that were there emotionally, but couldn’t be physically removed. my heart hurt, it hurt a lot and I was swallowed by perfectionism, grades, and wanting to be accepted. it was easier to find comfort in a blade than talking to people about it. 

because, how could you tell someone that your boyfriend was going to have a baby with another woman? or that you had multiple exams in front of you, plus music exams, along with having to keep up with becoming a woman and having responsibilities and expectations from family, school, society and friends? it was easier to swallow up my feelings of insufficiency down like ibuprofen pills. it was easier to not eat, not be and to find solace in a blade, than in people. because, people hurt. they don’t care. why would I trust them?

this is hard, this is really hard to write and put out in the open. it’s messy and uncomfortable, but I wish I knew someone that had struggled the way I did, when I was younger. I wish someone told me that it was going to be okay, and that I didn’t deserve to hurt myself  just because I felt so much pain within, that it felt easier to physically try and remove it. after all, nobody would know, and it’s better than killing yourself and not being. I think somewhere inside me, although suicidal, I knew that there was something worth living for. somewhere deep down within my heart, I knew that I had worth and that people cared.

it’s hard, because I can’t lie and say that I don’t struggle anymore. but the proof in knowing my worth and value, is that I’m soon to be 19, and despite one relapse, I’ve been clean for nearly 4 years. if I’m being honest with you, I really didn’t want to write this. I really didn’t want to put this out in the open, but I feel it pressing on my heart to share it with you, because I know that someone, somewhere out there needs to hear it.

ultimately, you have worth. hurting yourself, in order to numb the pain, feel it, or try and remove it, is not worth it.

things may be hurting and awful right now but they’re not worth you harming yourself, because you don’t feel enough or you feel too much. you are so dearly loved. and if I could, right now, I would reach through this screen and give you a massive hug. tears are falling from my eyes writing this because I know the pain that you are bearing, and I want to tell you that you must let it go. give it to someone, write it down, talk to people, talk to God, the universe, whoever you believe in, but 

don’t hold it in.

you’re going to need people. you’re going to need them to hold you up, and encourage you and keep you safe. because, I get that sometimes you don’t feel safe inside your own body. I’m aware that self harm isn’t just cutting, it can be punching yourself, pinching yourself, burning yourself and even just saying horrible things to yourself.

please believe me when I say there is so much more to you than the struggle that you are going through right now.

there is so much more. I wish that I could give you more, but I’m going to leave you with some things that helped me while I was recovering, and even now, when I can’t seem to quieten my mind.

  • talk to someone: whether it be your parents, a friend, a teacher, a professional, whoever. somebody needs to know. you can’t go through this alone.
  • draw the scars on, or draw butterflies, or flowers instead. just don’t hurt yourself.
  • find a way to express yourself: for me, I found comfort in writing, playing the piano and painting. I let my art be a way of me escaping while also confronting my emotions and how I felt.
  • learn that you have worth, and that your life is so valuable.
  • go to therapy: I haven’t personally done this one. but, from the people I know that have been, I know that it’s helped them drastically
  • find comfort in your faith: I know that I wouldn’t be here without God today, if it wasn’t for His love that I received through others.

it’s not much, but those are the baby  steps I took. it’s easier to start small than taking giant steps. I can’t stress enough that you are loved. you are so loved, and cherished, and have so much worth and even though you may not see it now, it doesn’t mean that it’s not there. other living beings on this planet are so unaware of their beauty, but yet they still show themselves, because it’s who they are. flowers will still come out to bloom in spring, whether you like them or not. bees will still come out in summer, birds will still fly, giraffes will still roam, and lions will still roar. in this way, you must remember that you are needed, and that your beauty is ever present even if you don’t see it, or know it.

I wrote this in one of my other poems when I was in a bad place, and it reminded me of my worth, and how much I’m needed, loved, and cared for. whether it was now, or in the future. I hope it helps you just as much as it helped me, and remember that I love you so much, and that you have worth:

there are days like this, when I feel less of myself but, all of myself at once. when I ponder and wonder what is this life, really?

what is life? because the days just sift through and I feel like flour being added to cake batter, once so selfish and pure, to be dumped into a sticky, dirty mess – which brings out something much greater than itself. a cake; in all its uniqueness and softness – a cake, which shows that together, we are better because you see, life isn’t meant to be for us to sift through on our own. as flour, is made for something greater – as are we. flour, was not made to be eaten on its own, but rather to bring some structure and format to something bigger than itself.

so, for days like this I must remember that I am flour; and although I wonder whether I am needed or not, the question has already been answered:

I am needed, and I am important.

I am flour, and I am important.

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