I lay on my floor and felt my breath escape my lungs and then get gathered back in again. I felt my body emptying itself of what it didn’t need, and replenishing itself with what was a necessity for it. I lay there and wondered why my mind couldn’t do the same.

I got up, dressed up and left my house, just to get some fresh air and make my measly 5000 steps a day, which I just about scraped in the end. I felt eyes on me, I felt stares and the men tried to talk to me, but they were old enough to be my dad. I didn’t want their attention, yet they gave it to me in attempt to get something back from me; and that’s how I’ve felt all my life. like a piece of meat, an animal in a zoo, to be laughed at, stared at, and teased. 

I carried on walking, trying to hold my head high. I walked into the store, left 15 minutes later and desperately tried to fight back the tears and frustration of how good and bad this week had been. there was so much progress, but today was useless, I did nothing because I couldn’t feel, I just couldn’t be and I have exams in 2 days, yet I feel so empty. I haven’t got time to be down, but I feel so 

empty.

and it’s swallowing me up. I’m tired of this ouroboros, this repetition and constant cycle of emptiness. I don’t know if I want to live, because nothing is filling up this emptiness. and I want to talk to people about it, I want to talk to someone about it, I want to talk to him about it, but I can’t seem to muster up the words. everything just seems so stale, and nothing seems to be bearing fruit right now. 

my tree has been in winter for a while, and maybe the flowers will start blooming soon, but for now, I might just have to remain here on the floor with tears falling from my eyes.

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