I don’t like arguing with you. it makes me feel like I’m losing a part of myself, and I’m not sure how to feel about that. there’s a lot that I want to say to you that I can never seem to get out, or put them into the right words. I either say too little, or I say too much and it doesn’t make any sense. it just frustrates me that you won’t let me sit with you in your pain. you won’t tell me what’s running through your mind, and how I can help ease the pain or make things better.
and I could tell you all of this, but it I don’t think it’ll mean anything to you. it’s easier to write a poem, and indirectly tell you how I feel without you being aware of it. I want to block out these emotions, because I didn’t ask to feel like this. I don’t want to feel like this, as if I’m trying to catch air, and my heart running towards a person that may not value or understand its strength and fragility. and God keeps nudging at my heart, and hammering at my door to talk to you, to communicate with you and let you know that you’re deeply and dearly loved. that you are accepted, and that I love you for who you are.
I never know how, or what to tell you anymore. not talking to you everyday was hard. not telling you how I am, or what I’m feeling is going to be hard, because above all, you’re a close friend, and maybe even my best friend. you make me nervous, you give me butterflies and you balance me out. I’ve been suppressing and denying my emotions the last couple of days, and now the tears are falling from my cheeks, like rain from the sky, while writing this. I want to hold your hand, and I want to sit next to you in the midst of 7000 people, worshipping our Creator, and thanking Him for bringing you into my life and easing the worries I have of burdening you with my pain. I’m worried of how close I am to you, and how much you mean to me because your husband/wife is meant to be your best friend, and thinking about you with another person makes me feel sick to my stomach, and I’m not sure how to process that image, I just can’t.
I don’t know if my heart is breaking, or if this is God telling me that I’m getting closer to us happening. I don’t know, and I wish I could tell you, I wish we could just spend a night together pouring our hearts out to one another, reading scripture and settling in our truth. I could write a book about the things I love about you, and how much you annoy me, and frustrate me, and anger me. I could write about how much I adore you, and how much not knowing if you feel anything back hurts, but I won’t do that. because I don’t think it’ll get us anywhere. I don’t think you’re ready for this, for us and maybe I should just continue to let God do His thing. I was honest with you, I’ve been honest with myself, and I think now it’s time for me to put my pride aside, and apologise.
I don’t want to hurt you, it’s the last thing I want to do. but, I wish there was more to this, and I wish I didn’t feel so much towards you.