I stepped outside today, and it felt like bliss to breathe in fresh air and not hide in my bed being numbed, and overwhelmed, by emotions. the air was fresh, suprisingly, the attached houses lined in row upon row grey, red and dusty; the trees had started to blossom with white flowers peaking out nervous to come back into this world. my body was moving, my legs were working, and taking care of myself despite the bad days, had been paying off.
I’ve been in an ongoing conversation, and argument with God lately. there’s been a shift within me and I feel stronger within myself, and in who He says I am but it’s aligning that with my life and getting myself to do things, even when I don’t want to. I haven’t been very gentle with myself, and I’ve been trying to understand who this woman is. don’t get me wrong, I do know who she is but it’s trying to figure out and understand why she’s here, whether she is still her old self, or if it’s okay to be a new version of who she is. I’m not really sure how to describe it, because I know I haven’t been myself for a while, but I’ve felt more like a normal human being lately; but telling people “I feel more like myself, like who I was.” doesn’t feel right, it makes me feel uneasy. I’m still trying to figure out the readjustment, but it’s numbed me to my emotions, it’s numbed me and I’m still trying to sift through the fog and understand why I can’t just get up and discipline myself to do things. I feel like I’ve burnt out, and I want to say it’s okay but within me, it doesn’t feel like that. I’m wondering where the flare, the spark and the passion within me have disappeared to. they seem to have flown out of the window and branched out onto the wrong road. I’m guessing that they don’t have a navigation system, so if by some miracle, they might be able to find their way back; but if not, I’m guessing I’m going to have to start over.
the most difficult thing to grasp is that despite everything that life, the enemy, has thrown at me; I’ve been very aware of God’s presence and His hand upon my life, even when I’m mad at Him, or when I’m hiding from Him, because I don’t want Him to see my mess. I was speaking to Him, but I haven’t been actively seeking Him, in the way that I should; but I’ve been abiding with Him. that word is stuck with me, abide. it’s become everything I’ve lived by because I spend most of my time just simply enjoying God’s presence and checking in with Him day to day and seeing how He is, and letting Him know how I am. despite how scary life has been, I’ve again learnt on a deeper level what God’s love is. I have learnt who I am, and who He says I am, and abiding in Him has grounded me, it’s grounded me despite how lonely I’ve felt, God has been my ever present comfort.
I’m not really sure where I’m going with this, but I guess I just wanted to remind you of God’s love, friend. that He is ever present despite the season of life, and His hand is outstretched and He promises to hold you and guide you through all the moments in your life. letting Him and allowing Him to be your guide releases and frees you from life and the chains that may be holding you down. I’ve had a bad today, and I planned to do a lot of things. I haven’t checked in with Him today, but He has been my strength. He’s held my hand and forced me to love and care for myself despite the bad day. He’s taught me to be gentle with myself.
so, friend; here’s your reminder today: be gentle with yourself, care for yourself, and love yourself. it’s the least you deserve.