today has been a bad day. 

I put my headphones in and blocked the world out, because it’s easier to escape with the details of music and words, while you drown in your tears and try to function like a normal person. 

I’m trying not to blame myself for staying in, for my words being so sombre and morose lately, but I can’t apologise because it’s how I’ve been feeling. I’m tired of apologising for things I can’t help. I’m so exhausted, because you are running through my mind and I can’t cancel you out. I don’t want to be thinking about how you feel at 4 in the afternoon, while my head is buried in my pillows trying to muffle out the pain in my heart, and hide the tears streaming down my face. I’m trying to,

I’m trying to drown out the voices in my head that tell me that you are my safe place, that you care because I can’t show you this person, the real person that I am and I’m so fucking scared that I’ll never be enough for you or for anyone. and it’s separating my feelings from reality, from truth, because I’m unsure of how to handle this pain, this feeling, this joy, this love without destroying myself or you in the process. please, tell me how to work this out, God? 

I want to be free, and run in a field with my legs guiding the way and my head gazing up at the blue sky as I run from shame, anger and pain, towards him, towards 

You.

I want him to place his hand on my heart and tell me that we fit, that our dynamic fits because I know it does, but I want him to realise that himself. I want to see his heart first, because I’m tired of giving mine away repeatedly and being unaware of the steps I’m taking and whether they are safe, or are just going to lead me into stepping into another hole and diving into the deep end; endlessly swimming in an unknown direction and floating there, in the middle of the ocean, with the water collecting my tears.

I’m lost with this, I don’t know where I’m going with this. my mind is everywhere and on everything, and I feel nothing and everything at the same time, and all I want to do is hold him in my arms and help him with his pain, but boundaries.

boundaries.

boundaries. what do they even mean? why are they there when everything just seems blurred. and I know You’re not the God of confusion, but God! this is confusing, my mind is a mess and my heart is walking on eggshells. give me the signal God! show me, reveal Yourself to me; guide me and assess me and love me so much that I can’t take it anymore!

ultimately, I want this pain to go. I want it to go, and I want to just sit in silence, with my mind quiet and rested in the truth and not my emotions. in the truth,

and not my emotions. in the truth and, not my 

emotions.

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