I haven’t slept in 26 hours, and I’m not really tired if I’m being honest with you. I spent a lot of the day asking God what to write because I’ve been doubting my abilities, my worth and my talents more so than usual.
I didn’t want to write, and I wasn’t going to put anything up tonight but God nudged my heart and said ‘Abiy, write what you feel. write what’s on your heart.’ it’s funny because I have a lot of things on my heart right now. I’m happy and I’m sad. I’m more heartbroken about a lot of things lately and it’s for people that don’t see their worth, or their talents and are fed lies that they aren’t worthy of love. that are plagued with mental illnesses that they try so hard to escape, yet are trapped and held by those things; it’s remembering that they don’t define you. they aren’t you. it’s ironic, because it’s exactly these things that I battle with. I battle with loving myself, on a daily basis. I battle with accepting that I’m loved, and that I mean something to people.
my heart is also on a person, a person that I wish I had the guts to pour my heart out to and let them understand how much I value and love them. how precious they are to me, and how much they mean to me and many others but our lives feel separated, and it’s as if there is a wall between us, and we can’t seem to get over it. I hope God sees to it, because my heart is breaking and I want it to stop.
I’m not where I want to be, but I am accepting where I am. I’m accepting my mess, and that I can be loved through it all, despite how I feel. I am worthy of love, and that worth doesn’t come from anybody else but myself. I’m learning that there really is strength in weakness; and in doing so, God has taken different pieces of my life and has started to string them together to create a picture bigger and more beautiful than I could ever imagine.
my pain, my strife is not in vain. so many times I wondered why I endured so much pain from such a young age, and why I’m still plagued with it all, but if I didn’t have it all, I wouldn’t be able to do the work God wants me to do in His kingdom. especially in the areas that nobody else wants to go or be seen. my pain is valid, and it’s for the brokenhearted and those that are crying to be loved.
I will love you with all my heart, because I feel your pain, I understand it, and it breaks my heart just as much as it breaks yours.