I’m angry and I’m mad, and I’m upset; because I’m messing up my life and I don’t even know where to go from here. I didn’t think I would get here, and now I’m here I’m messing it up.

I’m mad at you because you promised to be here by my side through it all, and now I’m left without a best friend, and I feel so alone and lost because I haven’t got anyone to share my experiences with. I haven’t got you to hug me when the pain is too much and when I’m tired of myself and being strong for everyone. 

nobody understands my pain. I can’t talk to anyone about it, I’m struggling to even believe that God gets it, even though I know He does and I’m trying, I’m trying, I’m trying to separate my feelings from the truth but the pain is so overbearing. I’d rather just sit in my apartment and not do anything, and watch the days while away, and then realise when the next day approaches, that I’ve done nothing with my life, I’ve disappointed my family and myself and I’m just about scraping bare minimum.

I don’t know who I am anymore, and I need control. I just don’t know how to obtain it anymore. I miss you so much, and it hurts even more to know that you probably don’t care; and I always knew that I was at fault to care so much and let you know that I do. this is why I keep people at arms length because the people that do get it, they never last and it’s just easier to keep people afar, the stretch of an ocean afar, and just deal with it and push it down where it will just sink to the bottom of the ocean,and who knows if it’ll ever be found again.

my heart hurts. it hurts and I really want to hurt you, I want to yell at you and scream at you but I can’t because you’re my best friend and I love you with all my heart. I really hate you right now, and I don’t know if my heart will ever heal from this. 

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