I’ve been trying to fight against this season. against the crying and the pain. the nostalgia, the anger, the hurt, the loneliness. I’ve been trying to fight against the person that’s being formed within me because I’m unfamiliar of her and the territory, of the house and the setting that she has decided to rebuild and reboot, and I have no idea what is going on anymore.
I stopped fighting and I worked with it. I worked with the loneliness and the pain, with the feelings of self hate for the lack of control I’ve had over myself and my life. I was going about it the wrong way when I should have just let it be. to just let the tears fall and the pain sift through at the dead hours of the night. to just let the anger come and to let it be rather than trying to fight it and mix it in with the pain and anxiety of not being good enough for anyone. I pushed my Father away, and I numbed myself to feeling anything. I should have been doing the opposite, I should have been letting Him love me and embrace me and hold my hand and tell me that things may hurt now but they’re not against me, they’re for me and the outcome will be much greater than the pain because His light outshines the darkness. light defines the darkness, not the other way round and my hopes and my love are not wasted on nobody or nothing. they’re there for a reason.
work with the tide, work with the season. it’s autumn, let the leaves fall and let the trees die for now, because as nature has its seasons, so do we. we don’t stop autumn and winter from happening, we don’t stop nature from resting because we know it is needed. it is needed for growth and there is no need for us to fight against it, but rather work with it and for it.
if it’s going to rain, let it rain. rest, in that fact and let it bring comfort to you. stay in, grab a blanket, read and let the rain fall.