I’m holding out for you. 

I don’t know if we know one another yet, or if you ever think about me too but I’m holding out for you. I want to say waiting, but if I’m being honest waiting isn’t really what I want to do. I’m me, I don’t wait around for people I get up and do things because time is short and it’s not to be wasted; but I’m in a season of resting. If anything, I don’t like it. possibly because I don’t really know or understand the direction I’m taking and I’ve been waiting for myself, for God, for people, for life. I’ve been waiting, and I feel like I’ve lost control. all I’ve been doing is resting and waiting and I don’t think I like that; it’s not me.

and, maybe God has put me here for this reason because I need to take time allowing Him to reconstruct the idea of the person I thought I  was and who I was going to be. my life has felt like it’s been falling apart and lately, you’ve been on my mind a lot. I have so much that I wish I could say to you, but words aren’t enough to tell you that, even though I’m hurting, I love you, a whole lot and I can’t wait for the day that I can show you that, that you can see it through my actions and feel it in my hugs, rather than me just telling you. I don’t want to have to remind you, because I want you to know and feel it without doubt.

I love you, a whole lot. I’m trying my hardest to piece myself back together because right now, I am such a mess and this isn’t the woman that I want you to see. and even though I’d love it if you were here doing life by my side with me, I know that I’d just hurt you if you had to see me like this. I’m getting there, because I’m remembering that baby steps are important and these baby steps will soon become adult ones and soon we’ll be taking them together with our Father. 

I have so much to do in so little time and I  don’t know how I’m going to do it. I know I can do it, and I know I will; but it’s hard, and I’m scared. I’m learning and I’m holding onto the truth that the tears, the fighting, the loving myself and my people was and is worth it because I get to do the same for you someday. I can’t wait to be with you and your people, for our lives to carry on, but to progress and struggle, laugh and cry, dance and love, together. 

I’m holding out for you, because I love you, a whole lot.

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