- being a teenager is hard.
- being 18 and above is hard.
- adulting is hard.
- growing up is hard.
- existing is hard.
Here’s the thing: I’m not an expert on this topic. I don’t know when I’ll ever be, or if I’ll ever be. I have no idea what you’re having to let go of, or the person you’re having to move on from, but I’m just going to tell you now that I’m here for you. And there are many other people in your life that are willing to hold your hand and get you through whatever you’re going through.
I’ve had a lot of trouble moving on from people, and situations that either forced themselves into my life and completely shifted the balance of everything. Or, those that left and didn’t look back because they decided that I wasn’t worth much to them. Regardless of the situation, it hurt. It hurt like crazy and I felt like I was going through hell.
I’m an emotional person. I feel things more than I should, I love people with my whole heart and I don’t expect any less from the people in my life. I’ve only realised growing up, that that’s my downfall. I expect people to love me the way I love them; I expect people to give their all in relationships and friendships, because that’s what I do and I never doubt or regret it. I tried to change that, but I can’t; that’s just me. It’s the way God made me, it’s the way I’ve been structured to function and it’s ok.
Just because people hurt you, it doesn’t mean that everyone else that you come across will too. It doesn’t mean that you are worth nothing, or that there is something wrong with you. Just because that person left, and decided that you didn’t fit into their life anymore – it doesn’t mean that you don’t deserve to be loved, and that you don’t deserve loving, caring and safe friendships or relationships – because you do.
If any of you know me, you’ll know that my 16th birthday was the worst birthday of my entire existence (so far, and I hope it stays that way). I’m not going to go into the details, but let’s just say that I lost many friends that birthday, and realised that the people I held in high regard didn’t hold me the same way. Within that year, I also went through a break up and by my birthday, in all it’s glory, I was a wreck. I was tired of people and I just couldn’t do it anymore. I closed up completely.
I spent most of that summer alone, and I took time to find myself and the person I was. I took time to realise who I was and am outside of a relationship and false friendships. I spent a lot of time reevaluating my entire existence and little did I know that doing that would carry on for the following 3 years after.
I realised that I spent a lot of time hating myself. I put myself down, and I allowed myself to be involved with people that didn’t hold me in high regard or value my friendship/me. Friends, this is so damaging. If your friends don’t see your worth, or put you down, or leave you out, or make you feel like you are any lesser than them, or an outcast – they aren’t your friends. If your friends can’t go out of their way to love you, the way that you love them; then it shows where they hold you. Yes, we all have lives to live, but that doesn’t stop us from showing our people that we love them, value them and care about their well being. It literally takes 5 minutes out of the 1440 minutes in your day.
Those that love you, will not intentionally hurt you. Neither would they exclude you, or make you feel as if your friendship means nothing to them. Friendship and relationships are a two way thing, you both have to be giving and receiving. If they show you your place in their life once, believe them because it will save you time and heartbreak; and as my mum wisely told me: friendship isn’t by force.
I don’t know if this is the blog post you expected, or the type of thing you wanted to hear, but this is me giving my heart and my experiences to you in the best way that I can. I’m going to leave you with a few things I do/ have done when I find myself in a place where someone has left my life, or a situation – be it school, or everyday life – has left me feeling empty, hollow and unworthy:
- spend time alone: this was the most important part of my healing. the more I spent time alone, the more I realised how uncomfortable I was with being by myself, and that was something that needed to change. I learnt that I needed to tackle my loneliness head on, because if I don’t enjoy spending time with myself and loving who I am, and really knowing this person and what’s going on within her during different seasons in life; why would I expect anyone else to spend time with me, or hold me in high regard, if I didn’t do the same for myself? By getting to know myself, and who I truly was and am, I had to learn to enjoy the silence and the stillness of my life. I’ve learnt to master the art of being alone, and knowing that being lonely and being alone are different things. Though those people had left, and made me feel lonely, I wasn’t alone because I had myself and I learnt that my company is the best company (in the least arrogant and head swelling way). I learnt that no matter what people say when they leave or how they leave, that I’m going to be ok. I learnt to be comfortable with my life and where I’m at – in the noise, and in the silence.
“loneliness is a sign that you are in desperate need of yourself.”
– rupi kaur
- write letters to yourself: this is one of the best things I’ve ever done. I was sifting through my thoughts today and remembered that I wrote letters to myself all the time. I sat down and poured my heart out to myself about where I was at and how I’d dealt with situations and people that had hurt me, or how I’d hurt them. I held nothing back and I took from the letters and found that there was also room for improvement on my part. If you don’t do anything else I suggest, do this. It’s such a good coping and healing mechanism and it feels good to get everything out on paper.
- read/watch films: this may seem like a stupid thing to even suggest, but trust me I think my most growth and self improvement has come from watching and reading. Sometimes, I didn’t want to deal with my life, or the situation, or the people that had left. I just wanted to get away for a while; and I did that by reading or watching something. In the end, both ended up giving me a new perspective on the way I was dealing with things. The characters gave me some kind of inner strength that I thought I didn’t have within me. Maybe I’m just weird, but books and films can teach a lot about moving on and how to just deal with life during the seasons of hurt.
- feel your emotions: stop trying to block your feelings out, or tell yourself that you’re ok if you’re not. it’s ok to cry over people, it’s ok to be hurt. let yourself mourn the friendship/situation and then allow yourself to let it go and move on in a healthy way.
- spend time with God: for my fellow Christ followers, this one is very important (and even if you aren’t a Christ follower). Take time to look into the word, or listen to songs, or pray, or read books that tell you who God says you are. Despite the amount of people that have hurt you or walked out on you, or you’ve walked out on them – you are still worthy, and you are still loved. It’s a fact and nothing can change that.
- love on people, a lot: this one is the most important to me. I learnt to give people the love that I didn’t get. To be living proof that not everyone is the same, and that not everyone will hurt you. Loving others is important, it’s important because it teaches you to forgive and to let go and move on from what others have done to you. Pouring love into others that you didn’t get, is probably one of the most rewarding and healing things you will ever do. The things that those people did to me, still hurt but I don’t harbour any hate or anger in my heart for them anymore. I’ve learnt to love, forgive and move on because it only would only end up building bitterness in my heart, and I haven’t got the time or the energy for that. There are too many bitter and angry people in this world, and it’s just tiring. Learn to love people first, even when you don’t want to. It takes time, but it enables growth.
I feel like this post was a bit all over the place, but I hope something here resonates with you. I wish I could give you more, but this is all I’ve got and I’m living proof that it works, and it’s possible to heal and love again after people leave. So no matter what season you’re going through, stormy, quiet or messy – here’s a spoiler alert:
- you’re going to be ok, with or without those people.
- you’re going to grow, with or without those people.
- grades don’t define you.
- people don’t define you.
- you decide your worth; you decide who gets to have a place in your life, and your heart.
- you are more than capable of achieving the things that you want to achieve, no matter what the situation or what others say.
- in the end – you’re going to be ok.