can I just sit and have a heart to heart talk with you? because, I’ve been hurting a lot lately. And it’s not in the sense of the sadness being present all the time, it’s more the night when it just seems to consume me.
the days are fine, I can get through the days doing ‘adult’ things. I can read, grab a coffee and sit in lectures, interact with people, do some work, get some exercise in and just be. getting things done, getting back into myself and a routine has been so comforting after such a long time. it’s just the nights,
they’re the hard bits of the day. I spent time with my favourite person over this week, I spent a lot of time getting to know Him more than I ever have before and I feel as if the bits of sadness are the parts of me that are longing to help others. it’s the part of me that lives to be there for others and love unconditionally and fully, even when my heart aches for the people that I thought would be there, haven’t been there. but, I have so much to do in so little time and I don’t know how I’m going to do it. how I’m going to balance life up, because it’s really hard and I wish that someone had been honest with me about how hard growing up can be.
the doubt hurts, and I hate it. I hate the fear that I have within me that I may amount to nothing; and my current battle is fighting the voices. that feeling that tells me I won’t get anywhere, because it’s not true at all. and I want to keep hammering at them until they are tiny pieces that can be discarded and thrown out into the bin.
I’m scared, I’m hurting, I’m in pain but, I’m growing. I’m growing so much and I’m falling in love with the messy and joyous side of people; the messy and mundane side of everyday life. I’m falling in love with this woman.
I’m falling in love with myself.