my heart’s a little heavy tonight. last night was rough, and today felt long and dragged out, as if I was travelling on board a train that was heading nowhere in particular, just somewhere, but somewhere nice, and peaceful, so full of life and wonder. I’m not really sure if that sentence makes sense to you, but it does to me.
the loneliness kicked in last night and it carried with me through to today. just simply starting the day and leaving the house was a struggle; I didn’t do it in the end. I stayed in and didn’t people at all. yes, I know it’s bad but it was needed; I just needed to take some time out and put myself first in some way this week because, I’m trying. I’m trying really hard, but today was desperately needed.
I don’t really know where I’m going with this anymore, I guess I just wanted to fill you in on my day and tell you how much I’ve been longing to see you, and hold your hand. to hear a witty comment escape from your month, and watch the corners of your mouth lift as you realise that the joke wasn’t even funny and only made sense to you. I want to feel your strong arms around my chubby body, and us just stand there, in the silence, in the moment with your chin resting on my head, because this is the place that I feel most at home. I hope it’s where you feel at home too. I guess I’m just trying to tell you that I miss you, a lot. I miss your presence in my life, and being able to see you everyday for a whole week, non stop. to just get the privilege of being around you all the time. I miss your voice, I miss the 1am phone calls where we spoke about how bad we thought one another’s music taste was, and I listen to you go on about Russian poets that you’ve fallen in love with, and we converse about the cinematography of tv series we’ve fallen in love with, as well as their characters. I miss you calling me up, and just listening when I’m sad. I miss you telling me about your ideas, I felt so honoured to be involved in your creative process, to hear the excitement in your voice when you spoke about something that you were working on.
I miss our moments, I miss when we weren’t so caught up in life; when we didn’t hurt each other, when we tried to be honest and open with the other because there was so much growth and love. adulting sucks sometimes, and I wish you could be here with me to make it easier. I wish we could hold hands and do this thing called life together, because,
it would mean a lot to me, and I think it would mean a lot to you too.