‘so we do not lose heart. though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day.’ – 2 corinthians 4: 16
I haven’t been myself for a while. two years, if we’re being precise.
within those two years I’ve spent a lot of time comparing myself to others, putting myself down and not giving myself the care that I needed. I spent time hating myself, being angry with myself for not being disciplined or focused, for not knowing what I want to really do in life anymore. it got worse in summer, but the effect of it didn’t kick in until I got to university in september.
I honestly think the reason why it all seems a haze is because I was so bad; I was so depressed. I would hide in my room and cancel meet ups and appointments with people that were trying to help, people that were trying to get to know me. I would be up all night, finishing deadlines at the last minute; crying for goodness knows how many hours; depressive episodes kicking in at one in the morning and exhausting me to the point of missing lectures the next day; binge eating, binge watching, missing church, hiding myself in the dark from everyone and everything. I was hurting and I pushed away those that I loved; I pushed my family away, I pushed my friends away, I pushed God away, I pushed myself away.
I tasted what it felt like to be free in summer; I was surrounded by friends and people that shared the same love for Christ that I do. I found my community, I realised my passion and purpose over that week, I realised what it meant to be loved and to be hurt. God opened His heart to me and poured His love into me. I tasted freedom again in November. I went to a discipleship meeting held by the church I go to, I went even though I was scared and wanted to hide from everyone, from the world, from myself, from God. I went and I was surrounded with love and the genuine kindness of people that had never met me before. I felt at home, I felt loved, I felt like a part of something; I felt God.
but, being me I ignored it and carried on being frustrated with myself for months on after these encounters and little snippets of God’s overwhelming love and peace when I least expected it; and I’m sorry. I’m sorry to the friends and family I’ve pushed away; I’m sorry to the people that have tried so hard to get to know me that I pushed away. I’m sorry for whoever I hurt during this season in my life.
the last thing I want to do is hurt anyone. I want to give people love because I know how it feels to lack it. I know how it feels to hate being in your own skin, to think that you’re not loved, to be hated, to be hurt so deeply that you think that nothing could ever heal the pain that’s in your heart. I want people to know that they’re not alone, they have worth, and that they are valued and deeply loved. I’ve only learnt that recently, I’ve only realised my worth today. I’ve only just realised why I am so deeply rooted in this mess and the same cycle day in and day out. I thought I’d grown to love myself. I thought I was getting close to the woman God has created me to be, and in the end I let what I wanted and what God had promised me overshadow and take over my life, rather than spending time with Him willingly, and letting myself be filled with Him and His spirit.
it’s not about me. I’m tired of making it about me. it’s about Him and I want to find myself in Him; I want others to find who they are in Him. to be filled with His deep love and admiration for them for us to realise that His strength is made perfect in our weakness – we don’t have to be strong all the time. He is our strength, He is our source of love, He is our guidance, He is our Father, He is our lover. He is everything.
I’ve been looking in the wrong place for things to satisfy my soul. I’ve been trying to fill it through the love and acceptance of others, rather than seeking it from Him and accepting that He loves me and He dances over me everyday while I am unaware. He knows me, inside out, He loves me despite my faults. He is it. He is the answer to everything that I’ve been searching for. I am broken, I am a mess, I am human but He is my strength, He makes me a new creation in Him, He listens to me when I talk about my mundane day and the little things that make me happy, or the moments when there is too much pain within me to express into words or art. He said it is finished, it is done and I don’t need to look elsewhere, I don’t need to try and redeem myself, I don’t need to prove myself or my worth to anyone, I don’t have to doubt, worry or be scared; because He holds my hand and He says that I am worthy, and finally, at last,
I’ve found my home.
‘for we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.’ – ephesians 2: 10