I’ve been meaning to write to you for a while. I’m surprised I’ve never really directly written to you because I think about you a lotprobably a lot more than I should. I’m so excited for our life together to start, I’m excited to meet the man that God has moulded and will continue to mould you into. I can’t wait to stay up with you and talk about His love, and His passion for us; to talk about our past adventures, experiences and pain that have brought us to the moment where we met, and fell in love. the moment He brought us together.

but for now, in this moment in time I’m going to apologise because, I’m sorry for all the times I’m going to be difficult. I’m a hard person to love. I’ve established that at a young age, when making friends was easy, but keeping them was hard; when putting others first led to them putting me last. I’m sorry for the nights that I’ll stay up crying and not letting you touch me or be near me because I hate myself and can’t even fathom the idea that someone as amazing and as beautiful as you could ever love me or want me. I’m sorry, for the words I’ll say to keep you away when all I really want, is to hold you close and to feel our skin touching, my head on your chest, hearing your heartbeat and to be so thankful for your existence. I’m sorry, for when I put too much pressure on you to be perfect; when I forget that you are also made by the same Creator as I, and only He can make a bad thing good; I’m sorry for hurting you. I’m sorry for pushing you away when all I really want you to do is hold me close and just let me cry into your chest, or to jut sit there, in the silence and appreciate our Father’s presence, and the joy of stillness.

I love you so much. I love you more than words could describe, and if our Father could show you a glimpse of that love, I’m not sure how much you’d be able to handle it. I can’t wait to be with you; I can’t wait to finally have everything that God has promised; and despite all this pain, hurt and waiting – I know that you’re worth it. I want to be the woman that you need, that God has made me to be, but I’m sorry for the times I fail to be that. because, if anything I’m a mess. I’m vulnerable and strange, I’m too old mentally, I like reading more than I like breathing, I love people way too much, I love God because He’s brought me through so much turmoil in my life, He keeps me steady. I have moments when I am so weak. I’ll have moment when I can’t be strong for both us, I’ll have moments when I’ll need your strength. I’ve spent so much time in my life believing that I’m not enough, that I’ll never be enough and I just hope that I’m enough for you. I want to be enough for you, and myself.

I can’t wait to be with you,  I love you. 

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2 thoughts on “dear (future) husband,

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