I’m learning to grow without you. I’m learning who I am without you, and it’s so hard. I won’t lie or hide from it, because I never lied or hid with you, and I don’t wish to start now.

I love you. everything about you makes my heart soar and I really love the woman that I am with you. I love how we don’t suffocate one another; I love how we give each other space to grow; how when we need healing we allow it to happen, we don’t fight it. we just let it happen.

and if anything, this may sound so vain and conceited but I needed time. I need time to grow into the woman that I need. the woman that my 15 year old self needed to help her heal from a broken heart. the woman that you need when you’re trying to piece yourself together from the image that this broken world tries to make you impossibly keep up with. the woman that nurtures, that loves without any boundaries. the woman that our Creator has made me to be.

I’m growing into her and I love her so much because I feel her spirit, I  feel her anger, I feel her love, her vulnerability, her peace, her strength – all at once – and it’s so overwhelming.

God, I’m so tired. I’ve tasted and seen who she is and I just can’t let myself settle for anything less. I can’t be mediocre. it would be so selfish and greedy of me to let you accept me as I am now, and I’m sorry. I need space, because I need to be that woman for the both of us. I need to be that woman for you, and I’m sorry it has to be done this way, but I hope that someday you understand where I’m coming from. that you understand and accept that I love you; I love you and I’m growing because, I love you. I’m growing because we’ll need one of us to be strong for both of us soon , and I guess that that person is me.

I’m just getting ready, and it starts by putting pen to paper. it starts by sticking to my word. it starts by accepting what we are; it starts with me,

and you too.

 

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