I feel like a hypocrite.
I feel like a hypocrite because I haven’t been good lately. I haven’t been good for a few months and I tell people when they’re down or when they’re struggling they should: speak to someone; they shouldn’t be ashamed; they shouldn’t let it hinder them; they should be open about it to themselves and to God, and the list goes on. I feel like a hypocrite, because everything on my ‘practical ways to deal with life, feeling depressed and building friendships’ guide, I didn’t do and haven’t been doing.
The truth is I’ve been hurting and only until last week, have I realised that I have had a lot to deal with. I’ve had a lot of big changes in my life and rather than being soft and gentle with myself, I kept trying to push myself and buckle down the way I used to in crisis, but this time, it hasn’t worked; and it frustrated me. The main reason for this is because I’m not who I was. I’m not the same person I was in September, let alone July and maybe it’s time for me to accept this. To accept that I am growing everyday, I am changing all the time and that’s ok, but I need to learn how to grow with this person. How to understand her, and her needs, how to discipline her and love her, how to love who God has made her to be, while pursuing her dreams and moulding her into an even more beautiful woman.
I’ve been learning how to accept myself. I’ve been learning how to give my pain to God in the seasons of pain and hurt, in the seasons of numbness and doubt, in the season of joy and fulfilment. I miss a lot of people, that’s a truth that I can’t hide. I miss not having to be responsible for myself and looking after myself, and not having to meet new people and not retreating into myself because I have to learn to trust and build new friendships. I miss it, but I also like this freedom. It’s given me a chance to realise that only I am on this journey, with myself. I don’t mean that in a selfish way, but rather that I’ve learnt that I can only be this person, and only I am on this journey that God has placed me on. There are people that come along side that, but it’s currently about me and how I wish to let God use me, how I use myself to help others, and also help myself.
I’ve been sad, I’ve been down and I’ve felt nothing. I forgot how to walk, I forgot how to take small steps (& big ones) and do things one at a time. I forgot and forget that God is holding my hand through all of it. He’s holding my hand and He pursues me, and loves me everyday. I am a daughter of the King, and I need to remember who I am and where I’m going because I’ve been really off track. I held onto my purpose but I tried to do it alone, I’ve tried to do so many things alone in this life, this year, this month, only to realise that God is here and He has put people in my life that will help me along this journey. I lost track of who I am, I lost track of the person I am, and I resented that. I hated that I couldn’t go back to her, but I just didn’t realise that this person here, this woman here, is an upgrade of her. Not a fresh start, but rather a new perspective, a new hope, a new release. I love myself, I love who God has made me, I love the person that my people see; and that’s ok, it’s progress, it’s not selfishness. I am going to be great, because God has said so and He is guiding me towards that greatness and how relieving it is to know that I am not in control. That despite my fears and worries and me messing up, my destiny, my purpose is already set in stone, and I don’t need to worry. I just need to hold His hand and let Him work.
Darling, I want you to know that this season may hurt. It’s going to hurt a lot, and it’s going to be painful but you will come out a better version of yourself in the end. You must learn that you are a complete version of yourself. Do not ever, let anyone dilute you or try to water you down because, you deserve nothing but the best and you need to learn to give that to yourself, and deliver nothing but the best in everything that you do. Do not settle, for a lesser self; you are worth more than that, you deserve better than that.
So, please hold your head high and love yourself more than any human being could love you, because that’s the least you deserve.