I’m currently sat here in this moment in time with a cup of apple and cinnamon tea and Gemini by Alabama Shakes, playing in the background with the bright yellow lights silently humming beneath this noise, unaware of their importance in this life.
You see, I have a plan for my life. I have a plan that is well structured and it’s what I want to achieve and will achieve but I’ve realised that although God is in full support of my vision and it aligns with His purpose for me, it is not my job to figure out the journey. It is not my job to worry and stress and doubt whether I will or won’t achieve my dreams; it is God’s job and all I need to do is to stay in line with Him and let Him hold my hand through it while looking up at Him, and getting my head stuck in making this life work for me, making my future permanent and secure.
The thing is, I want to believe in myself.
I want to believe that I am capable of reaching a place in my life where depression, self harm, self loathing and the fear of being loved no longer have a hold on me, as well as no longer having a place in my life. A place where they don’t control me, but rather I control them. I allow myself to love this woman, and the skin she is in without damaging her or making her seem like she is lesser than any other woman. I want to allow myself to be loved, and to be appreciated and accepted and understand that people love me, and I can rest in that fact, in their love, and that’s ok.
I want to value myself, I want to reach a place where moving my body doesn’t make me hate myself, but rather makes me fall in love with what I can do with it, how I can use my body to represent Christ and display the love He has placed in me, the love that He keeps pouring over my head like a cup of oil that never finishes. He continues to anoint me despite the pain and shame that I’ve held in my heart. He continues to rejoice in me despite my past.
I need to learn that my past is not who I am, or who I was destined to be. That the person I choose to be in this moment is different from the person I chose to be at 15,16, or 17.I am not my past, because I am made new everyday and I am loved everyday by the Creator of the earth, by my family, by my friends, by those that I have not yet had the privilege of meeting. And I cannot solely say that it is my beauty that radiates but rather the beauty of each person that has left a bit of themselves with me through their acts, or their words, their simple smile, or the joy they have for life. I am not my own person, for this life isn’t for me, but rather for the Father and for others.
And, I have come to realise that in loving myself, in loving who I am and who I am made to be in this very moment, that I love everybody else around me. I deserve love, because I cannot be falling into the arms of another person from the opposite sex and then putting the weight of them loving me completely without faulting me or who I am, in their hands because, it is unfair; and it makes no sense because, I am only human, and so is he.
So the truths that I’m telling myself today are:
- I am loved.
- I am cherished
- I am beautiful
- I am strong
- I am a creative
- I am intelligent
- I am wise
- I am a good friend
- I am worth loving,
- I am valued and,
- I am a child of God.
I refuse to think any lesser of myself, I refuse to feed lies into my mind, I refuse to let myself drown in self hatred because that is not who I am and it is not the person that I ever will be. I am enough, and I am worth just as much as any other person on this earth. I am here for a reason and I can no longer stay stagnant. I must love myself, because it is the right thing to do and the only way to move forward.
I must love myself, because I am a daughter of the King – and how marvellous is that?