I stopped feeling like I was enough when you slept with her and goodness knows who else, and still told me you loved me; you still tell me you love me and that people make mistakes, but darling, repeatedly moving your body in and out of a woman is not a mistake.
I stopped feeling like I was enough when I was told at the age of 8 that I was overweight and not pretty or skinny enough for this world. that my hair was too curly, that my lips were too big and my stomach wasn’t flat enough for me to be loved. that the number on the scale defined me and will still define me 10 years later.
I stopped feeling like I was enough when the state of my brain made me ‘crazy’ and an ‘outcast’. when I couldn’t help the fact that I hated who I was and that even looking after and liking who I am was and is hard to do on a daily basis.
I stopped feeling like I was enough on my 16th birthday when my ‘friends’ didn’t turn up to my meal because they had better things to do. maybe it was because I was too much of myself, maybe it’s because there was and is something wrong with me, I’ll never know.
I stopped feeling enough when you told me you felt the same way I did, but you couldn’t call me yours because I was me. because, you decided that you wanted me without being able to call me yours; you decided and made me feel like everything about me was wrong; and me loving people and having my heart on my sleeve is a bad thing; that me loving you and caring for you was an ugly thing and I don’t know if I’ll ever fully heal from that.
I’ve never felt like I’m enough in this world. I’ve never felt like I’m worth something because no matter what I do, people somehow seem to love and accept others more, other people seem to be getting it right and I have no idea what I’ doing wrong, and I’m so tired and drained. I’m tired of feeling like an outsider.
And everyday, God nudges me and reminds me that I’m not made for this world. I wasn’t made to be accepted, I was made to make others feel loved and to understand those that are in this very same place as me. despite all this pain that this life has brought and is most likely still bringing, it is for something, for someone and it’s not for nothing. Jesus says I’m enough, everyday, every second and I’m learning that it’s okay.
Because people can be mean, but God is greater; and I want to tell you today that despite everything that this world throws at you. you are enough, and you are worth something; so please, keep pressing forward because “this too shall pass” and peace will come.