I get that these last few weeks, months, moments have been hard for you, they’ve been hard on you but regardless, I’m proud of you. I don’t think you’ve truly realised how much you’ve grown and, how elegantly and gracefully you are growing into the woman that you are truly called and made to be. you’ve given yourself the space and the time to realise the person you are, and to assess that person in situations that you previously would have been reluctant to even think about. you’ve pushed yourself out of your bubble, out of the place where you want to stay safe, and you’ve loved people and fought for love despite what the world says: you’ve been selfless, yet you’ve still learnt to love yourself and prioritise you.
darling, I need you to understand that you are loved. you are loved dearly and immensely by the people in your life, by your people. sometimes, you may not believe it because you don’t want to believe it or because of their actions. regardless, they care about you, they love you and they want the best for you. but, don’t hold onto them as if they are your lifeline, because they are only human too. they need space to breathe, and they’re also growing and meeting new beings; as you dislike being suffocated, you need to learn how to remove the grip of your hands from their hands, their throats, their hearts. this doesn’t mean that you should leave them on the side, but rather nourish their growth and be gentle with them, be supportive of them and love them regardless of how they may treat you in their anger, sadness, lust, pain or hurt. love them, and don’t question it.
you must also learn to let things go. let go of relationships and people that – all though you may love them dearly – are toxic, you must learn to love them from afar because the closer they get the more damage they bring to your heart, and you’re still healing. you need to allow God to work, you need to put yourself first because I guarantee that if you let God take the lead, those things would be placed the furthest away from you. let him go girl, he’s not yours anymore. he can’t give you what you want. you can’t heal him or help him. you can’t rely on him to give you the love that you’re yearning for. he can’t love you the way you deserve to be loved. he doesn’t know who you are anymore, and you no longer know him. let him go.
from this, I need you to realise that you can’t seek love from people. you can’t seek love or attention from the opposite sex. you can’t place your love into things that are only temporary, things that force you to keep going back to them, things that make you a slave to them. you can’t seek acceptance and respect in other people simply because you are lonely and hurting. no, no, no. you can’t do this, you need to stop doing this because it’s only hurting you. it’s only hurting who you are. it’s hindering you from growing. the love that you must seek must come from within; it must come from the One who created you; it must come from your heart, because before you can invest your time and love completely into another person, a significant other, you must invest your time and love into yourself. if not, then how will they know how to love you? how will you teach them to love you, and respect you? you must break the cycle because you can’t keep driving on a road with a damaged engine. you’ve got to fix the engine so the car can run smoothly, so that you can get there in one peace.
this fear of the future is sad, and unnecessary. why do you need to be scared and worried when God has it under control? when He has specifically told you over, and over, and over again in His word and in your heart, that it is going to be ok. your future is secure, but you need to work for it and stop putting yourself in situations that leave you sick, that leave you hurting. you need to rid procrastination from your life, and truly learn discipline. not because you ‘hate’ yourself, but because of the love you have for yourself. because, this is the best way to show yourself that you deserve it all. that you deserve that job you want so much, that you deserve the people in your life, that you deserve the time and effort being put into loving yourself and your very being. you deserve it, because you work for it. discipline yourself, discipline your mind, discipline your heart. when you work for yourself, when you do the things you love or don’t love, you’re working only for yourself and your future. you’re working in reassurance of everything going well according to God’s plan, because when you work with God and for God, the end product is better than you could ever imagine. discipline yourself, because it is you loving yourself.
the man that loves you, that wants you, that cares for you will come when the time is right. the process will run naturally and according to God’s timing, and God’s plan; therefore you don’t need to stress about not being loved. that desire you have in your heart to have a spouse is not there for no reason, it’s there because it will happen and you’ve got to nurture it in the right way – by giving it to God and letting Him work with it and on it. things will be ok, because your husband loves you and will love you for who you are. he’ll love your strange interest in people’s minds; your need to have caffeinated tea at 11pm because it makes you feel sleepy, rather than alert; your upturned small eyes that you use eyeliner to mask and make them look bigger than they are; the words that you’ve been writing about him; your obsession with a green ogre and his heroic wife and crazy best friend. darling, he’ll love this and so much more. I assure you that he will never leave either because you will both grow in love, together and individually, and you will both change but you will understand one another, you’ll know one another, and that’s ok. it’s ok because, even though it’s vulnerable, scary and messy; you’ve both got God to hold you down and guide you, you’ve both got Love in its purest form guiding you both.
I want you to take my words and register them in your heart as guidelines, as notices, alerts, as a nudge and a reminder for your soul. right now, everything hurts but you’ve got to make yourself aware of everything around you. you’ve got to take a step back and evaluate and understand your environment in order for you to learn from it, move on and keep growing. give it to God, and let Him hold your hand through the process, because everything you do without Him just ends up being a mess. by loving God, knowing God and spending time with Him – you learn to love yourself, you find out who you are, you grow and keep growing.
also, don’t ever forget how beautiful you are.
present (& soon to be past) you.