I have moments like this when I am in the pits of depression and I can’t seem to understand why I always have this feeling within me, why I spend so much time building myself up internally and externally, for it all to be dragged down completely again? why do I bother trying to see the joy and the hope in these situations, let alone any situation?
the truth is, no matter how much I try to hide it from myself and my people, I’m not doing well. yes, I’m growing, I have been growing but sometimes there are moments when that growth stops and I can’t seem to see or understand the direction that I’m going in anymore. because, I often wonder who the heck is going to love me in all this mess? how are they going to cope with this much ‘baggage’, when I can’t even cope with it myself? who’s going to be my feet, my hands, my eyes and my heart, when I can’t be all those things for myself mentally and physically?
I feel like I should have my life sorted out by now, or maybe that’s just the pressure that I put on myself. maybe it’s just letting myself be, or maybe it’s understanding and acknowledging that I’m going to have days like this, and it’s ok. it’s fine to just let them be and pass by, because I can’t always be fighting. sometimes I need to let Jesus fight this battle for me. my heart hurts, it hurts a lot but I know and still hope that it won’t be hurting for long, because I don’t know if I can do this anymore.