- I moved into my new flat this time last week.
- I officially start university on Monday
- I am single.
These are three things that I never thought would happen to me at this stage of my life and, if I’m being honest, I’m more shocked about the fact that I’m living on my own, as well as being at university, than I am about me being single.
You see, I spent today reading and drowning in my own self pity, because for this year and the year before that, and even possibly the year before that I’ve been fighting the person that I am. By this I mean that I’ve been hindering myself; and I know this how? Mainly because I know that I can be even greater than where I’m at, but I refuse to let myself grow anymore because change scares me. I finally said it.
There have been continuous changes in my life over the past two/three years and honestly, I feel drained by it all. I feel tired, and to be honest I’m so fed up and angry with myself because I keep repeating the same self destructive and self limiting cycle. I can’t seem to break out of it, because subconsciously, I don’t want to because that means more change.
Today, in the midst of my self pity, I realised that I can only make my life the way I want it to be if I stop putting myself in the same self destructive situations. If I stop putting myself down, just to lift others up. If I stop procrastinating with my life, because on a daily basis I need to remind myself that contentment and satisfaction with where you are in life is important, but so is knowing and realising that change and growth every single day are just as important. I’ve learnt that I need to consciously and willing do things that make me happy, that put me out of my comfort zone, because spending so much time in my head doesn’t help me grow. Disappointing others is one thing, but disappointing yourself is just heart breaking, and I’m tired of doing this to myself. I’m tired of not fully being the person that I know that I can be, and that needs to change.
It changes because I know my worth, I know myself and I know who God has made me to be. The thing that I’ve learnt from those around me, and from different people in this world is, being content with your life and who you are is important when it comes to growing. If you are truly in love with your life, nobody else matters, nobody can put you down and walk all over you because you aren’t worried about others or what they think. You’re not worried about what you can and can’t achieve 24/7 because you already know your limits and faults, inside out and you use them to your ability and you learn from them progressively and continuously. And honestly, I think this is the beauty in life.
I want to find this beauty, I want to know my beauty and make it my own. Unapologetic-ally, lovingly and fully, and I need get there by fully engaging with my life rather than just being a passerby. I need to understand that despite things being okay, I need to make them okay. I need to make them good, because honestly ? That’s what I deserve.