I’m learning to open my heart to You and allow You to work in the middle of the storm; in the mundane; in the breeze; in the desert; in the sunshine, because You are good despite the season, and handing my heart to You with all it’s endless bleeding and stabbing, and pain and anger and hurt – is healing me. I’ve feared and I’ve been fearing that all that has been said, that has been promised will not work out and I realise how much I am doubting who You are, and who am I to do such a thing, when I don’t even know what I want for breakfast or if I even want to eat or sleep or live this life that You have given me? who am I to question who You are, and what You are doing in me?
who am I?
& I’ve opened my heart to You, and those that didn’t and don’t deserve it, but yet again I ask, who am I to say who does and doesn’t deserve love? who am I to think that my heart is mine, because it is not and I can no longer hold the things that You have placed here, inside it. I can no longer lock away who I am and let it sit and rot and wear away while others are unaware of what they need, because what You have put here is not for me, but rather for others, and for You. not my will, but Yours.
& again, I ask – who am I?
accepting, is becoming easier but I no longer want to settle, I cannot settle for a lesser version of who You have called me to be. I cannot settle, I will not settle, I will not back down. & I realise, that I have shown love and You have shown love and me committing to love people, to love You, to love him; is an act of submitting to You, of obedience and selflessness, because I no longer can let this world circle and rotate around me, as I cannot gain anything from it.
Yet again, I ask – who am I? who am I that You choose to love me, with all the mess that I am, that I have become? who am I that You choose to use me? who am I that You chose him for me, that You chose them for me? who am I that You care for me?
Yahweh, who am I?